You have to earn the right to coach someone.
Therapeutic Alliance in Coaching
The Core Idea
Decades of psychotherapy research point to one consistent finding: the single strongest predictor of therapeutic outcomes isn't the technique, the theoretical orientation, or the therapist's credentials. It's the quality of the therapeutic alliance — the relationship between therapist and client. I've spent 20 years applying this to sales coaching, and the parallel is almost perfect. Managers who lead with methodology before building trust get compliance at best and resistance at worst. Managers who invest in the relationship first get reps who actually want to be coached — and that's where real development happens.
Components
Unconditional Positive Regard
Carl Rogers' concept: a fundamental belief in the other person's capacity to grow, separate from their current performance. This doesn't mean ignoring poor results — it means communicating that you see their potential even when the numbers are down. Reps can tell the difference between a manager who believes in them and one who's just managing them out.
When a rep misses quota for the second straight quarter, the conversation isn't 'you need to improve or else.' It's 'I believe you can do this, and I think I know what's getting in the way. Let me show you what I'm seeing and let's figure it out together.' Same accountability, completely different relationship dynamic.
Empathic Attunement
Understanding the rep's experience from their perspective before trying to change it. Most managers coach from their own frame of reference — what they would do in the situation. Empathic attunement means first understanding why the rep is doing what they're doing, which often reveals that the 'wrong' behavior makes perfect sense given their mental model.
A rep who refuses to multi-thread isn't being lazy — they're often terrified of losing their one champion by going around them. Until you understand that fear from their perspective, your coaching on multi-threading will bounce off. Start with 'Help me understand what you're worried will happen if you reach out to the VP directly.'
Rupture and Repair
Every coaching relationship experiences ruptures — moments where trust is damaged. A tough piece of feedback delivered poorly. A public correction. A broken commitment. Research shows that what predicts relationship quality isn't the absence of ruptures but the quality of repair. Managers who acknowledge mistakes and repair the relationship build stronger trust than those who never rupture at all.
I once gave feedback to a rep in a team meeting that should have been private. I could feel the trust break in real-time. The next morning I pulled them aside, named exactly what I'd done wrong, and asked what I could do differently. That repair conversation became a turning point — the rep later told me it was the first time a manager had ever admitted being wrong.
Challenge Within Safety
The therapeutic sweet spot: pushing someone beyond their comfort zone while they feel fundamentally safe in the relationship. Without safety, challenge creates defensiveness. Without challenge, safety creates complacency. The best coaching relationships hold both simultaneously — the rep knows they'll be pushed hard and that the person pushing has their back.
After building trust with a senior AE, I could say things like 'That discovery call was lazy and you know it — you defaulted to your demo because you didn't prepare. What's actually going on?' That directness only works because the relationship foundation is solid. The same words from a manager they don't trust would trigger a defensive spiral.
In Practice
At Salesloft, I trained every frontline sales manager that coaching adoption — not coaching methodology — was their first priority. We measured it. Managers started with a 30-day 'alliance building' period with each new rep: regular one-on-ones focused entirely on understanding the rep's goals, fears, working style, and career aspirations. No methodology pushes, no technique corrections. Just relationship building. The results were stark: managers who completed the alliance-building protocol saw 2x coaching adoption rates compared to managers who led with technique from day one. Reps who trusted their manager were twice as likely to actually implement coaching feedback, which is where all the downstream pipeline and revenue impact comes from.